February 2002 Contest

Have you ever wanted to be called "Teach-aah"? Is there just something about those young girls in their school uniforms that just speaks to you in the right way? Want to be surrounded by them all day and help them with their problems and make it all better?

Onizuka, once a biker rebel, has decided that his life is going to be all about teaching. The long summers off, the short days and all those cute girls in uniform. How can he resist?

Well, you're not going to do it for the same reasons, but for this contest, we want to know something teaching related from you. A new college is opening and it's called Anime University. They don't teach normal courses here that you can find in any college but rather courses about anime. Magical Girl 101 anyone? Or maybe Gundam Engineering?

For this contest, we want to know what kind of Anime Course you'd teach if you were a professor at Anime University. With a minimum of 100 words, tell us the course title and a description of it and why you'd want to teach such a course. Send it to us at gtodvd@animeondvd.com. Be sure to send your address as well so if you win, we can send off the prize as soon as possible.

And the prize? 5 copies of Great Teacher Onizuka DVDs and 5 copies of GTO Vol. 1 for 5 winners! The top five entries will each get a DVD and manga!

Entries will be accepted from 02/22/2002 through 02/28/2002 @ 8 pm EST

The fine print: All entries become the property of AnimeonDVD.com and may be used in any promotional way. Contestants email addresses will not be given out to anyone. AnimeonDVD.com reserves the right to cancel or alter the contest at any time due to circumstances, however this is highly unlikely so fear not. AnimeonDVD.com reserves the right to add rules at any time. Contestants shipping address must be a US or Canadian one; due to licensing restrictions, this product cannot be shipped overseas.

1. Jon Niehof
   
   Survival 352: Surviving the anime female
   (Prof. Jon Niehof)
   
   (Note: Although somewhat interdisciplinary in nature, this course has beenplaced in survival because, frankly, that's where it belongs!)
   
   Course Description
   
   The purpose of this course is to assist you in relating to an anime female. Note the emphasis on survival: taking this course will not make you suave, sophisticated, or help you get laid. You have to walk before you can run, and sometimes slithering is a good start.
   
   In this semester, you will learn basic techniques to avoid causing undue anger in relating to a female, and simple ways to manage the carnage that ensues when you invariably screw up.
   
   WARNING: These techniques are for use with ANIME persons ONLY; that is, 2D girls. They should NOT be applied to the 3D variety, which is infinitely more complex and unpredictable.
   
   Professor's personal note
   
   After seeing so many characters completely bungle relationships with the women in their lives, I decided it's high time someone collected the knowledge and insights gained through much trial and even more error, presenting it to a new generation in the hopes that they can benefit from it and avoid distressing even more anime (and manga) women, not to mention prevent a few painful
   lumps.
   
   Due to the nature of this course, it is intended primarily for male
   students. Female students may be interested in the counterpart course, "Psych 302: Handling clueless dolts."
   
   Syllabus (homework will be assigned in-class. Expect two major papers)
   
   Week 1-Attaining orbit
   If you need to walk before learning to run, you need to learn to fall before walking. This week is all about falling: how to handle the massive damage the girls deal out without landing in emergency too often.
   Deformation lessons: Allowing your body to fold and flop as it is
   physically abused permits the impact to be softened, rather than crushinga rigid posture.
   Points for style: disappearing properly into the sky, leaving a
   small star-flash of light, and other ways to impress people into saying "Wow, that was REALLY painful"
   Guest lecture: Urashima Keitaro
   Lab: Practice at the hands of Narusegawa Naru
   
   Week 2-Managing perversion
   Most anime women have a very relaxed attitude towards normal male hormones: they'll let you respond naturally in exchange for accepting severe pain.
   Learn to control your urges and, when necessary, hide what you're up to. "It's not like that": Dealing with innocent situations that look bad. Numerous counterexamples provided by Saotome Ranma.
   Mirrors and hidden cameras: practice "active perversion" by intentionally catching forbidden glimpses when possible (or when not). If you can explain your way out of this sort of behaviour, you can get out of anything more innocent.
   Lab: Walk the set of Agent Aika with a female counterpart (of your choice).
   Survive five minutes without being severly abused for straying eyes (note: abuse may be avoided by either not letting one's gaze wander or by hiding it well--your choice).
   
   Week 3-The magical girlfriend
   Every guy dreams of her: a woman coming from another world or out of his TV set and into his life, bringing perfection--and a completely unique set of problems. Learning how to cope with these extreme situations will teach you lessons that will prove valuable in the sort of relationship you might actually have.
   Transformations: Guest lecturer Nanohana Jiyu explains how to cope when your better half suddenly seems...different. Separation anxiety: Learning to accept your girlfriend's return to the place she belongs. Counterpoint provided by Moteuchi Youta, on the topic of refusing to face reality and somehow making it work.
   Lab: Due to the difficulty in providing a real magical girl for each
   member of the class to partner with, no lab this week.
   
   Further updates to the syllabus will be provided as permitted by your professor's extremely active social calendar.
2. Jeffrey Wong
   
   PHYSC 301A FUNDAMENTAL PLANETARY WEAPON SYSTEMS 4.0 Yamato Hall
   Pass or Wipe-Out
   Prerequisites: PHYSC 101A to 101C Principles of Anime Physics with a grade of "C" or better.
   DRAMA 204 Survey of Plot-Bailout Devices. (Recommended but
   not required)
   ETHC 215 Ethics of Enemy Alien Genocides. (Not required)
   
   Course Description: This course introduces the fundamentals of design, structure, construction, control, operation, and service requirements of large caliber anime weapons that are capable of wiping out entire alien populations, invading star fleets, monolithic mega-cities, and enemy planets on a wholesale basis in a single bone-chilling, banshee-screaming, and mind-numbingly beautiful and violent blast. The student also surveys historical large-caliber guns such as the Wave Motion Gun, Magna Flame Gun,
   Buster Launcher, Colony Laser, the Solar Ray System, Satellite Reflex Cannon, Thor's Hammer, and other doomsday weapons. This course is the first in a series of three.
   
   Instructor: Captain Ota
   "I love big guns, the bigger the better... say like the Wave Motion
   Gun. BLAM! Can't you just see it... there, the soundless universe,
   haunting and disturbing in its vastness, frustrating and menacing in its eternity, a world of utter blackness broken only by the frothing sea of stars as it breaks upon the shores of oblivion... then suddenly, out of the corner of your eyes, out of the furthest edge of your frame, a single spark. A brilliant flash, instantly follows by a beam of light as its streaks across the eons of time like an avenging god! Brighter than Armageddon and straighter than the Road to Hell, this horrible beam of a million-trillion deaths cuts across the endless space as it rips apart of fabric of infinity like a lion tearing apart the belly of its prey, spilling the guts of the decay and silence as it fills the sky with a most terrifying scream! Yes, a scream, not a mere boom, or howl, or kablam, but an actual scream. The
   damn gun actually screams! Like the darkest cruelest banshee of the night, a apparition of sound so terrifying that freezes even the bravest of gods, the scream screeches across the stream of space and bridging instantly the gap that separates its victims and their total annihilation. One moment, a battle fleet of a thousand ships, a shine and score worthy of pride of any galactic civilization. Then the next, nothing. All gone. Millions lost. Oblivion. Ruin. A disaster of such tragic and uncompromising magnitude that is surpassed by none except for the knowledge that the home planet is soon to be followed. And so it is and so it shall be. A blam and a scream.
   Another world wiped off the galactic map as if it had never been. Chalk up another kill ring on the main guns. Ah yes..., the majesty and the horror; the sweet melange...
   
   That's why I love teaching this class. No wimpy Death Stars or
   ineffective Empire's Destroyers here. None of that little fighters take the day scenario; it's gotta be fleet battles, big ass honking guns, and total planetary annihilation (and any teddy bear planet is the first to go). That's right, no cop-out! We go for broke in anime. That's what keeps me up all night. Yes."
3. M. Saiyasombat
   
   From: M. Saiyasombat, Ai.C
   
   Commander/Professor
   
   Mad Science Department
   
   Regarding: New Course Proposal TOHO 120: Magical Girl Transformation
   
   As has been documented by Ikuhara ET. Al, the ability to successfully execute a transformation scene is the most vital of skills for the young women serving as Magical girls . The transformation scene serves as a dramatic turning point, instrument to promote the soundtrack, cost-cutting device by using stock background footage, and most importantly as a reason to keep drooling, hormonal fanboys watching a series that was obviously not designed for their demographic.
   
   However, based on current rates of anime exportation to foreign markets, I have come to the unfortunate conclusion that the anime industry is close to exhausting its current supply of commercially viable magical girls. As documented in my research (Published on pages 88-2040 of The Marduk Report), as the magical girls currently in fashion grow older they will gain weight, cease to blush at the sight of a cute boy, increasingly believe that love will not conquer all and murder their cute little sidekicks out of sheer annoyance.
   
   Unfortunately, the next generation of adolescent/preadolescent females who would fill the roles of current magical girls is woefully unprepared for their forthcoming roles as saviors of the cosmos and main marketing ploy. Therefore, to educate this next generation, save the magical girl genre and preserve the universe I have submitted a request for permission to offer a new course, TOHO 120: Magical Girl Transformation.
   
   The lecture portion of the class will include the following theories: Selection of backdrop (Sunbeams, hearts, etc.), cheesecake posing, dramatic hand gestures, strategic private parts coverage, sidekick/prop transformation, sailor-fuku alteration, transformation chants, and hiding-your-identity-while-everyone-is-nearby-and-therefore-should-see-and-hear-the racket.
   
   The laboratory will have the students practice and improve the skills learned in the lecture. The final practical will involve a student-designed transformation sequence with Professor Tomoe, Kero-Chan, Ryo-Ohki and myself grading the sequence.
4. Sean Kennedy
   
   After putting some initial thought into an Anime Catgirls class, I decided to go with more familiar subject matter and develop a course for Anime U's new Reality Check department. The RC department was founded due in part to the University's growing concern that, well, our students were getting a little too focused on Anime and losing whatever small grip on reality they had. Reality Check's goal is to insure that a student leaves our school understanding that what is true in Anime is not neccessarily true in real life.
   
   Reality Check 106: Male Cohabitation With Multiple Females
   
   Many contemporary Anime series have been based around the concept of a male protagonist surrounded by several (around 3-6) attractive females, resulting in much awkwardness and hillarity. This course will examine shows such as Tenchi and Love Hina, as well as programs in the 'male cohabitating with multiple female robots' genre, such as Saber Marionette J and Hand Maid May. Time permitting, we will look at the mirror-image arrangements in Fruits Basket (female protagonist surrounded by males) and
   discuss the future of the genre.
   
   Much of this class will be based on the professor's real-life experience sharing the basement floor of a house with four females in college. On paper, one guy living with four girls of similar age in a rickety house sounds like a wonderful Anime plot. However, the reality is near 180 degrees from that ideal. Major topics include:
   
   Female perspective on the male: The girls will tend to not be
   enamored/obsessed with him. They will have their own lives and loser boyfriends who they will bring over on a regular basis. His status will typically average out to 'guy who lives in the house', or in some cases 'person who can reach high places and lift heavy things.'
   
   Bathroom: It is very rare for any private dwelling to have a hot
   spring/jacuzzi/etc, so the girls will not be constantly sitting
   naked/near-naked in warm water sipping sake/tea. Most male/female interaction will involve shuffling past each other half-awake in the morning. The male will also realize that females are merciless in how filthy they make the bathroom. There will be no awkward incidents involving falling on top of each other clad only in a towel. If he encounters anyone walking around in a towel/robe/underwear, it will invariably be the previously mentioned loser boyfriends.
   
   Dining: There will not be a wonderful girl who is constantly cooking
   amazing meals. The only time you will dine together is when takeout of some variety (say, pizza) is ordered. Cleaning dishes and general kitchen areas will also be an issue.
   
   Outside Perspective: The male's other male friends will not be insanely jealous and conspiring to come over as much as possible. In fact, they may actually question his heterosexuality on occasion. His parents will just be amused by the demi-squalor he lives in.
   
   Additional topics will include: House Pet/Mascot, Chores, Girl Fights and Money.
   
   Course Prerequisites: RC101 - Japanese Society & Culture, RC104 - Male & Female Relationships. RC102 - General Physics is also recommnended.
   
   Professor's Note: as part of my court-ordered settlement I will also be giving a five-part seminar entitled "Proper Teaching Techniques: Debunking Onizuka" based on the GTO manga/anime/drama/videogame/breakfast cereal. All current and prospective AnimeU instructors are required to attend. I
   understand now that it was improper to visit a female student's home late at night and remodel some things with a sledgehammer, and I thank you all for your support during this difficult time.
5. Jared Griego
   
   If I could teach a class at Anime University it would be space politics. I can just imagine it now…
   
   Hello, class welcome to Anime Politics 310. I assume that those of you in this class have already taken Ani-Pol 110, shonen politics. In that class you should have learned how to deal with demons, ninjas, and evil wizards. So I will assume you know that violence can solve any coup attempt. Also I would hope that you have taken Ani-Pol 210 where you learn about how to deal with post-apocalyptic politics. That class teaches you how to deal with totalitarian nations, biker gangs, evil robots, giant robots, and alien overlords. What you have learned about alternate dimensions, alien invasion, and giant robots will come in handy in the course. Thus if you have taken those classes you should be well prepared for this class. Giant robots? Oh that reminds me if you are here for Anime Politics 201 Gundam Wing politics the room has been moved to room 33.
   
   In the second half of this course you will learn how to conduct trade deals, fight colonial wars, and take down interplanetary criminal organizations. However, in the first half of this course we will be learning about how to deal with aliens. There are many aspects to human-alien relations. First of all there are nice aliens, however these races come few and far between. Due to this fact you are most likely to deal with evil aliens. In the next few weeks I will teach you how to fight, understand, and make peace with alien races that want to destroy mankind, enslave mankind, or do awful things to mankind with tentacles. There will be many guests to help teach you about how they deal with aliens including many members of different alien races such our guest today.
   
   Now that the formal welcome is done I can only hope you’ve all brought some paper and pencils because although today is the first day of instruction we have a special guest. Say hello to… How do you pronounce your name again?
   
   It is pronounced Pakaitasokamutiyo, pathetic human.
   Well Pa-ka-so-yo… Um… Can I call you Alien man?
   In my language alien man is the worst of all insults! Prepare for pain human!
   
   Hey, what are you doing with your tentacles!? No, please somebody help me! For the love of God kill me now! Tasuke…!
   
   On second thought I think I’ll teach a course on how to raise your cabbit into a healthy spaceship. Yes, that would be much safer.
   
   (Tasuke- help, assistance)